


Tear Me Apart

by TalkingIsJustAWasteOfBreath



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Kinda, M/M, domestic AU, i almost cried twice while writing this, man these two make me emo, shinji has some pretty disturbing nightmares, some angst and some fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 08:38:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7969870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalkingIsJustAWasteOfBreath/pseuds/TalkingIsJustAWasteOfBreath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji dosn't usually remember his dreams but recently...</p>
<p>Recently his dreams have been filled with blood and guts and giant robots and screaming and Kaowru and the nightmares are beginning to scare both of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tear Me Apart

**Author's Note:**

> note to self- don't scroll through the kawoshin tag on tumblr to help with writers block for something unrelated to kawoshin because you will regret it later
> 
> anyways i love these two nerds a lot and i havn't written abt them a whole lot so i got rlly into writing this and i hope u have as much fun reading it as i did writing it!

Shinji doesn’t usually remember his dreams. He used to think he didn’t dream at all, until he watched a documentary with Kaowru about the meanings of dreams and it mentioned that it was medically impossible not to dream, unless you were struck by lightning or something. Shinji doesn’t remember a lot about the rest of the documentary. It was one of those nights where he and Kaowru fell asleep on the couch together and the heater was turned up just enough that they’d only needed one blanket and each other to keep warm, and in the winter, all of those nights had sort of blended together to create one massive patchwork quilt that Shinji couldn’t pick apart if he tried.

Shinji doesn’t usually remember his dreams, but recently he’d been having vivid ones that kept waking him up in the middle of the night, leaving his heart pounding and Kaowru looking at him with worried, tired eyes. He’d finally mentioned something yesterday morning, a passing “We should get something for those dreams you keep having, Shinji-kun” as he watched Shinji make coffee from his perch on the kitchen counter.

The thing was, the dreams hadn’t gotten really strange until recently. They had been fairly tame, just Shinji and two girls from his psych class that he’d barely spoken a word to fighting strange monsters in giant robots, but tonight was different because he could barely follow what was happening and _Kaowru_ was there and-

_Shinji was shaking in the cockpit of the EVA, the words, “I mean, I love you” echoing around his head as he grasps Kaowru in his hand._

**_HE BETRAYED YOU_ ** _he loved you he was the only person who could ever be capable of loving you you coward ~~you idiot you loved him toO~~ **HES AN ANGEL HES AN ANGEL** he’s just like your father he ~~loved~~ **LIED TO YOU-**_

_“It’s okay, Shinji-kun.” Kaowru said to him, bloody red eyes full of nothing but wisdom and love and a little bit of hope. “Meeting you made this lifetime worth it. You can kill me to save humanity. It’s okay Shiji-kun. I’m sure we’ll meet again someday- “_

_Shinji is close to breaking, to completely breaking and never putting himself back together again because no matter how much he tells himself he hates Kaowru **he doesn’t** he loves him and it feels like hes known Kaowru for weeks and years instead of mere days and oh god he has to kill him doesn’t he **has to kill Kaowru and killing Kaowru is almost like ripping his own heart out-**_

_another life. another day._

**_“I’m sorry. This isn’t the happiness you desired.”_ **

_Shinji is crying in the cockpit of the EVA ~~again~~ because Kaowru is gone ~~again~~._

_They played piano together this time. It was in a quiet place (abandoned?) and Kaowru was so gentle, teaching Shinji which keys to press in time with his own melody and the little moments when Shinji could feel Kaowru looking at him when he thought he wouldn’t notice (he did)._

_And then Shinji is back to sobbing._

**_I mustn’t run away ~~shinji-kun~~ I mustn’t run away ~~shinji-kun~~ I musTN’T RUN AWAY ~~SHINJI-KUN~~ I MUSN’T RUN AWAY_ **

_dont look at me like that, shinji-kun_

_i might have been born to meet you_

_i mean, i love you_

_i wanted to see you again_

_to say goodbye_

Shinji wakes up screaming.

It takes a moment for him to realize that he isn’t dreaming. He bolts up, grasping his head and Shinji can feel Kaowru’s grip on his shoulders weakening, and the panic in Kaowru’s voice fading. He pulls Shinji to him and Shinji grasps at his shirt, sobbing into Kaowru’s shoulder _because he’s not dead I didn’t kill him I didn’t_

“You wouldn’t wake up,” Kaowru whispers into the shell of Shinji’s ear as he wraps his wiry arms around him, “You were screaming and screaming but you wouldn’t wake up and I-“

“I had to kill you.” Shinji gasps. Kaowru’s shoulder and neck are all wet from his tears but Shinji’s too distraught to care. “I had to kill you twice Kaowru, and you let me you told me to so I could save everyone- “

“Shhh.” Kaowru reaches up to run his thin fingers through Shinji’s hair. “It’s okay now, Shinji-kun. It’s okay. I’m not dead, are I?” Shinji lets out a final sob and relaxes into Kaowru, trying to steady his breathing.

Kaowru rests his forehead on Shinji’s shoulder and starts to hum quietly, breathing deeply so Shinji could try and match his breaths. Shinji unclenches his fists from Kaowru’s shirt and rests his cheek against Kaowru’s head, trying not to think about the image of Kaowru’s body covered in blood or the metallic, deadly scent of the Evangelion’s cockpit. After a couple minutes or so, Shinji starts to feel his eyelids grow heavy and he slumps against Kaowru, letting out a long sigh of relief.

They stay like that for a long while, until Kaowru finally settles he and Shinji back down into their bed and gently tucks Shinji’s head under his chin, shivering slightly with every warm breath Shinji breathes into his neck.

_At least in this lifetime,_ Kaowru thinks as his mind starts to fog over with sleep.

_At least in this lifetime, he doesn’t remember the same way I do._

_At least in this lifetime, we get to be together._

**Author's Note:**

> if u want to cry with me abt space or gay figure skaters my twitter and tumblr are both @mysenpaiisdead


End file.
